Billionaires and prank war: the script of modern football is repeated over and over again | first division

TOAdmit it, when Erik ten Hag came out holding a microphone after Manchester United's final home game on Wednesday night, you also thought he was going to start saying things like “Your job now is to support the new manager,” before walking off to write books. which contains anecdotes about Richard Branson.

At the event, the most notable part of Ten Hag's speech was how convincing he is when he frowns into the microphone and says things. Ten Hag could stab himself in the eye with a kebab skewer and stand there in the center circle, moving the kebab skewer up and down, explaining why this is actually a really good thing and a sign of genuine progress and you'd think: Yeah, the guy with the kebab-skewer eye really has something on his mind. It just needs time. Maybe with patience and a proper process you can stab yourself in the other eye too.

Of course, this is unfair to Ten Hag, who is not the source of United's wider problems and who can win another trophy in a week's time. But there was a circularity to that spectacle. Here is a man speaking sternly about the future with the same loud postures, almost 11 years to the day he original sir alex fergusonwith Jonny Evans still on the field and a disappointed Wayne Rooney watching from the stands.

The season after Ferguson left, United would finish seventh. In the decade since they have spent £1.2bn and are currently in eighth place. A succession of really dramatic things have happened (it seems like they did, but… did they happen?) to remain basically in the same space. And yes, we are still watching.

This is not a column designed to reductively mock Manchester United, although they often put up very good numbers. It is rather a column designed to reductively mock the state of the entire first division.

Here's the thing. The final table will be almost exactly the same as last season. Nobody seems to care about this. But basically nothing has changed. And it feels significant. Let me break it down. With one weekend left, it's clear that the top two spots will be the same as last year, most likely, despite all the talk about the hot drama of the final day, in the same order. The three teams that are relegated are also the three teams that were promoted, so there is total stagnation. Seven of the first eight are the same. Six of the eight above the relegation places are equal.

All that really happened is that Aston Villa went from seventh to fourth (rightly hailed as a great job) and Chelsea went from 12th to sixth. In terms of numbers, the third most interesting thing about the Premier League is that Brentford goes from ninth to 15th place.

Instead, the season has been about drama, relatable content, the endlessly scrolling sidebar of anger. And that part has been very exciting. Here is Evangelos Marinakis looking sinister. Manchester United were almost bought because of a stock photo. The Great Sir Jim Ratcliffe has sent a angry email to all staff. Ange Postecoglou is emotionally intelligent. Wait! Now Ange doesn't understand anything at all. Meanwhile, Gary O'Neil not only hates VAR, but he is having a series of soul-searching meetings with referees and, on some level, is divorcing himself from VAR.

Perhaps the level of unease among some Spurs fans who feel they hate their closest rivals more than they love beating Manchester City has its roots in this strange sense of stasis.

Is this what it's going to be now? Subdrama. Prank wars. A series of brilliant exhibition matches while YouTubers in swivel chairs shout angry thoughts for ad likes? Was playing the season worth the expense? Perhaps it could have been simulated instead. Or TV companies could offer a subscription where you can interact with joke content and expert commentary without having to sit there for years watching the pressures happen.

It is important to know why this happens. There has never been so much money in sports, nor so much stratified at the top. This is a sign of success. That's what the Premier League was designed to do: make money for its members and become something akin to a breakaway super league in the process.

There is a lot to enjoy in this. The basic technical level is dizzyingly high. Manchester City is, after all, the most unbeatable team of all time. This is the golden age of football in the studios. We will remember and marvel.

But it's also part of the complete billionization of the sport, a trend that threatens to fundamentally change what it is. Sport has always been dominated by the richest and manipulated by despots. This has now reached a state of critical mass. Things seem to be happening across the board.

Most major governing bodies are currently modifying their leadership terms, taking the lead from FIFA, so you can basically stay in charge as long as you want. Saudi Arabia, as we already know, will host the 2034 World Cup. We are having seeding draws in the Champions League.

The UK football governance bill will exempt propaganda-hungry states from scrutiny as long as they have trade deals in the offing. The biggest counties in cricket will be the biggest forever because this is what works for private equity. Here there are fewer things that seem random, barrier-free and open to challenge. Much more than it seems closed and static.

Again, this is structural and deliberate. Hedge funds and autocratic states now run big sport. They have one important thing in common. They want certainty. For capitalist reasons: reliable return on investment. And for propaganda and soft power reasons. Danger, uncertainty, an open field. These are the complete opposite of all this.

On the other hand, the multi-million dollarization of sport has to do with stagnation, with the creation of closed circuits of power. Why would you want relegation from a European Super League when it represents an illogical degree of commercial risk?

There is an argument that the best way to create greater sporting social mobility is to throw out all the financial rules, let the billionaires run free and wild, embrace “the free market.” But this only makes sense if you don't know what a free market is or what people interested in sports really want. Nation states that spend too much on a public relations project are not “the free market.” This is the opposite of that. It is a command economy. It is a distortion of the market for political purposes. It is closer to nationalizing an industry, in the same way that, say, Newcastle has been nationalized by Saudi Arabia.

And yes, this has always been the pattern, although to a lesser degree. And yes, if you simply like to consume good content, this will not matter in any case. Why should I do it? With a bit of clever styling, even a dull Premier League can feel like it's in danger. This could be a phase, a problem, a quirk. Everything goes in cycles. A bit.

But there are also things that are lost along the way. Why is sport interesting? Because it's about energy, freedom, balance between control and opportunities. Sport is interesting because it tells us that what it takes to succeed is talent, heart and work, that within this model the world is open to us and that even seeing how it happens to others is beautiful and uplifting.

The problem is that you can also destroy those qualities by monetizing them until they are eliminated, simply creating a product, closed loops of power, a song that, in the end, always remains the same song.

Wait. Everton also had a good season. Stay tuned for the real battle this summer when you take on the Final Boss. Total financial collapse!