Key events
Okay, I'm going to go take the covers off the chairs to take them to the dry cleaners. Your visit is imminent, because I value my life. After that, we'll wonder what these teams mean.
Equipment!
Everton (4-2-3-1): Pickford; Young, Tarkowski, Branthwaite, Mykolenko; Gueye, Gomes, Harrison, Doucoure, McNeil; Calvert-Lewin. Substitutes: Virginia, Keane, Onana, Danjuma, Beto, Godfrey, Chermiti, Garner, Warrington.
Nottingham Forest (4-2-3-1): SEALS; Williams, Niakhate, Murillo, Aina; Danilo, Dominguez; Reyna, Gibbs-White, Hudson-Odoi; Wood. Substitutes: Turner, Sangaré, Toffolo, Elanga, Yates, Origi, Montiel, Omobamidele, Rodrigo Ribeiro.
Preamble
Hello and welcome to what Guardian hilarities call the Deduction Derby!
Both Everton and Forest are across the board, 16th and 17th respectively, and are far from the bottom two only due to the tremendous poverty of Burnley and Sheffield United. But Luton is only two points from first and one from second, so with the difference with Brentford, in 15th place, now five, one of the three willpower be relegated.
But which? Everton were horrendous against Chelsea on Monday night, their performance so inept that no one could have complained if they had been relegated for it at that very moment. However, the Goodison crowd has saved them in each of the last two seasons and, although their 32 goals in 32 games are the second-worst in the division, their defensive record of 48 conceded is bettered only by the top three, and no one would do it. You would be surprised if Sean Dyche inspired them to enough 1-0 home wins to ensure their safety.
Forests, on the other hand, are a different breeding ground for incompetence. In fact, they have quite a few decent players, especially in attack, and the problem of classifying them into a team is not easy. But, although two of their last four games are against Manchester City and Chelsea, the other two are against the aforementioned Sheffield United and Burnley, so even if they lose today, they will still have room to do what is necessary.
However, the same goes for Everton, who have to face Liverpool and Arsenal, but also have a home game with Sheffield United and a trip to Luton, which could prove decisive. Or, put another way, it's impossible to predict how this will play out, which means a lot of fun for those of us who don't have anything in the game and, for those who do, the experience of being alive. This is going to be gloriously horrible!
Start: 1:30 p.m.
