What is the perfect Premier League season for football fans without a dog in the fight? | Premier League

Yo Like those double pages where you have a little team-by-team guide before the new one Premier League Season. In and out, thoughts on the manager. The heart says third, the head says fifteenth. Dave, host of the club's podcast, speaks for all fans when he says Dejan Kulusevski is in for a big year.

Just the right amount of information for the neutral sitting in his armchair before all the predictions fall apart midway through the day's first game. But what would be the perfect season for someone who has nothing to do with wrestling, who just wants just the right amount of good football, chaos, red flags and controversy?

This season’s predictions come with plenty of asterisks – or often a big Asterix if you listen to the right people. Profitability and sustainability rules, points deductions, looming charges mean a lot of the biggest news will happen away from a football pitch. At Manchester City it’s a big season for… Lord Pannick. It’s a tough call between him and Rodri for their key player. They can get by a bit without Haaland using all sorts of false 9s, but without Pannick do they have enough depth to fight in the Premier League?

Now, obviously, justice is key to these 115 charges that City deny and are fighting. If City are found not guilty, there will be no punishment – ​​let’s move on. The court of public opinion (i.e. do you support City or not?) has already decided, and will continue to decide long after a verdict is handed down, but if (large print please, lawyers) they are guilty, what is the ideal punishment? Over the past four seasons they have averaged 89.75 points. Over the same period, the team that finishes 18th has 30.75 points. So a 59-point deduction could mean City need a win on the final day to ensure survival. They could be like BC and AD, who both get over zero points in March. With City out of the race, Arsenal clearly deserve it, having kept things exciting until the latter stages for the past two years. And football is great. It would almost be worth it just for Ian Wright's Instagram, dancing in big pants or singing behind his wheel. Contagious joy.

And yet, is there anything comforting about them not doing it time and time again? A sort of more successful Spurs. Mikel Arteta crouching so deep the seams of his trousers give way, perhaps because of a controversial VAR decision. It would be a misfortune that many people could get behind.

Liverpool then. It's hard to know what to feel about Arne Slot until Arne Slot has given us reasons to feel something about Arne Slot. Open book territory then. We all owe Liverpool for denying a team seven consecutive titles – The 2019-2020 season feels like a different era and it’s easy to forget how incredible they were. Of course, the thought of a Liverpool title makes you say how insufferable their fans would be. But, if memory serves, they were just as insufferable as any other set of fans who win something. – If not the title, a proper season needs a couple of cliché-filled European glory nights at Anfield. Give us all the chance to say “under the lights” and look on in envy.

Aston Villa are perhaps the team that have won the title the most, or rather, the least unpopular. The first since 1981. Amiable manager like Unai Emery, exciting football. Against that is the fact that they probably won’t win the league. Same goes for Spurs, who are genuinely fun under Ange Postecoglou. Both incarnations are good: Ange’s cheerful, funny press conference, and the staring at the ground, clearing his throat furiously at every question from Ange. If I’m honest with my Spurs-supporting self, the neutral would probably vote for another season without a trophy. It’s the constants of life that keep us going. How about a VAR disaster that denies them a trophy, just to see how much they can grit their teeth?

Of course, any non-Manchester United fan who lived through the 1990s is waiting for Old Trafford to let its forces out. Will we be able to hear Roy Keane say “We're talking about Manchester United” before the end of the month?

Meanwhile, who isn’t hoping Chelsea will dip into the transfer market and snap up a couple more attacking wingers? There simply aren’t enough hours of content available to try and put together Enzo Maresca’s starting XI. More stories of players having to sit on the floor, stand on the top deck of the bus, party in the hotel, Noni Madueke and Kiernan Dewsbury-Hall having to use spoons to eat their cake.

On the other hand, it is the final year of Goodison Park. Prepare for endless montages from Graeme Sharp and Andy Gray, from Tony Cottee and Peter Reid. Given the financial difficulties, administration is a real possibility, so the main hope has to be that the club is still a going concern in May. It is a shame their last game is not at home, but how about the survival assured the previous week at a sunny Gwladys Street End when Séamus Coleman Barry Horne slotted a goal into the top corner from 30 yards?

While we're busy with survival, we're going to have a tighter fight at the bottom than last season, and at least one of the newcomers staying up. And that has to be Ipswich. It's been so long it seems like they've never been in the Premier League. A new camera angle, some new goal nets. With apologies to Leicester and Southampton, Kieran McKenna's side are 17th.

And then we need a long-serving team to go into free fall in February, while another tries, improbably, to make it to Europe. So Brentford, Brighton and Crystal Palace can all fight for them.

What else? Close-ups of West Ham fans absolutely furious about one thing or another. Howard Webb constantly driving to Wolverhampton to deliver personal apologies in gift-voucher-sized envelopes to Gary O'Neil. An unexpected goal of the season: Fabian Schär as Philippe Albert. A perfect shot of home fans cursing in unison with grimaces at an ex-player celebrating in front of them. Let that stay in the Louvre! More Ally McCoist. More ex-professionals who don't understand the rules of the game. Less penalties for touching the hand. Please.

Alive and kicking, the best league in the world (without European trophies) is back. Good luck to everyone.